One from the vault

Looksie what I found. This was where my thinking was at the start of the year. This was something I felt at the time shouldn't be blogged but instead saved on my laptop to stumble across at a later date, like tonight. Now the real challenge is for me to post it without editing after the fact.

To set the scene, I was just getting used to the idea of being on my own in terms of a partner for the first time. I wrote this my first night alone in Thailand, the night I got out of hospital and Cam had flown down to the South to soak up the sun. I was in a gorgeous Bangkok hotel, I had a Jim Beam in hand but couldn't drink it, not after being on a drip for more than 24 hours! (Oh God! I want to go back!)

Saturday 31^st January, 9:00pm

Today for some unimportant reason the familiar 3 words 'I hate me' popped into my head. Although, as this happened, it occurred to me that this was the first time this had happened in a while, I don't remember the last time I had that thought. I felt fantastic realising this, seeing how much better I am doing. Every day I am happier, stronger, braver, and more loving towards myself.

Although, along side all this, there is still something I allow myself to do that brings me down. Detrimental thoughts that I allow myself to have regardless of how healthy the rest of my thoughts are becoming. These thoughts are running scenarios in my head where I am with either ***** or *****. I allow myself to have these thoughts because they feel good at the time, but the big picture is that these thoughts link in with me being uncomfortable with being alone and cause a lot more problems than they are worth. I fall quite far with this kind of thinking. On one certain day not long before I left for Thailand, for most of the day I felt this overwhelming anxiety and pain. I felt like I did when I was first dealing with being on my own, very intense. I didn't understand why I had taken so many steps back, why this particular day, what had triggered it after I had been doing so well for weeks. It was so out of the blue and unexplained. Then it occurred to me that it was the last night that ***** and I could spend together before I left for Thailand. Which we of course weren't spending together. I was fine with not being with ***** before I left on a cognitive and logical level. But it turns out it was all the thinking I had done around what that night would be like that finally got the better of me. This is just an example of how this way of thinking is detrimental, I had a similar, less intense experience today of a scenario in my head not coming true. This is something I need to explore, because although I have come so far in the last couple months of being on my own, this is still significantly weighing me down.

First let's look at what it is about being on my own, without a certain someone that is so difficult and hopefully this will bring clarity. Part of what it is is a general feeling I have, that is always there. A feeling like I need to share every part of my experience with someone, a certain someone. This feeling is there from the littlest and most everyday things to important thoughts, feelings and actions. Even as I write this now, I keep thinking I wish someone, preferably ***** or ***** would read it. When I was with Cam this feeling and way of being was reinforced because he was there so much and did share such a significant part of my day and life with me. This feeling or need becomes a problem because it becomes a huge part of my thinking and as a result becomes an influence on how I feel – frustrated, stressed, alone.

Another part of the difficulty for me to be alone is being used to often thinking about this certain someone. And again, this was reinforced while I with Cam as I was often thinking about him, it made me feel good. I guess if I can't do that then my mind doesn't know what to fill that thinking space with. Is that because I was using those thoughts as a distraction from my anxieties and depression? Is it because if my mind isn't always busy then I experience panic and anxiety?

This difficulty for me to being alone also comes from that I love to be in love. I love to have someone to be there for and for someone to be there for me. I feel comfortable and safe knowing I have that certain someone there, always with me. The question that comes to mind here is why isn't my other relationships, including my one with Kristy, enough to satisfy this need or desire? I am loved and am in love with my closest friends, my family and with Kristy. Why does it have to be ***** or ***** and previously Cam?

Wow, no editing at all, besides blanking out certain person's names out of respect for them. It is amazing to read that and to remember those days and to see how I have changed and how different things are now. I guess one could compare my 'playground' post and this one, written 5 months before.