Awakened!...Or perhaps just stirring

I value people who can detach themselves from all material things, who appreciate the value in life itself, in spiritual existences, those who have no desire for materialism. I am not very materialistic, relatively - I don't enjoy shopping, I don't care for a big TV or a nice car. But I do spend more money than I have and allow money to be a stress in my life. I do care about how I dress, I do want to travel, I do spend a lot of money going out and socialising, I do have expenses; the gym, a mobile plan, a DVD rental, whatever. Lately I have been questioning my attachment to money and material things. I have been thinking about the ideas around money vs. happiness and what it all means.

I know and have accepted that I will never have 'money' as such in my life. I will have a home, clothes, holidays, food, things, I will have debt. And I know that people, usually without realising, will adjust their expenditure to their income. So it really makes no difference what I earn, I will still be in debt and still not have enough to satisfy. Just look at Micheal Jackson (probably a bad example but it is what is in the spotlight now), one would look at his income and think, 'if only I had that amount of money, I would be set,' which may be true, but Psychology and Economics will suggest that more likely you will adjust to it and then not have enough.

It is also my belief and have accepted that I owe, yes owe, part of my 'money' to help where there is a need. Just to touch on that idea briefly, I owe it to those who have a need because food, shelter, security, health care, and other essentials are a right not a privilege for people with money. Regardless of how they became in their powerless position, regardless of anything, these things are an unconditional right.

Now, these 3 paragraphs may seem a bit detached from each other, and they are. There is a ribbon that ties them together (it's pink) but at this early stage of belief and philosophy development it is too early to make that clear connection and definitely not a conclusion. But, I am sensing that as I think and feel more on this topic it will lead to me getting rid of all my material possessions, quitting my conventional life and moving into a Buddhist convent to spend the rest of my days raking stones, mediating and helping the community, with only a robe to my name and happier than I have ever been.

Images and sensations

The arms are stretched out, clutched in both hands is a knife. In a sudden and sharp action the clenched fists are pulled towards the body. The knife enters the stomach where the nausea resides.

Long live living, if living can be this

The fruit and veg section of the supermarket,
Possums chilling in Flagstaff Gardens at night,
Window washers hanging off a building like Charlotte's children on their string of web,
A dog snout in an eye socket.
This train carriage filled with hundreds of souls and minds, each with their own life and future possibilities....What are mine?
Body Steppin' around the world, living with the orangutans in the forests of Indonesia, Social Working with Indigenous Australians in Northern Queensland, building wells and schools in remote Africa, working in the fruit and veg section of the supermarket in...Broadmeadows!?
Oh, how I look forward to it!

Imagination

A sharp knife was placed at the top of the throat and pulled down in a straight line. The line is now dark red, in a moment a thick drop of red drips out of the cut.

The knife, held below the collar bone relieves the tension inside the chest by following the center line, in between the breasts and stopping at the bottom of the rib cage.

Look what they've done to my brain, Ma

Today's the day I get back into Uni work after about two months of not doing any of it. I begun my day very excited to get a lot of work done on my assessments. I decided to watch a bit of TV first before I got stuck into it. After 5 eps of Friends I set up the table with my books, notes, laptop, pen and highlighter, I'm ready to go! I open up a new page in my notebook, it's fresh and clean. I begin reading the chapter which I have read and understood before, it has highlighting already. I stop mid sentence and decide to put on some music. Reading a few more lines, I stop and open a new Office doc and give it a title. I read a few more words and stop to turn off the music which is distracting me. I start reading again, at this point my head is throbbing and my heart is racing. I decided to eat some lunch and have a shower, then I'll be much better prepared to get this work done, I tell myself. After a bowl of cherries and half a tub of ice cream I find myself chatting to Cam and blogging instead of doing my presentation plan, which is and should be, really very easy!

I am remembering the days before I knew how much I was affected by anxiety. When I thought the panic attacks in Thailand were left in Thailand. When I was justifying avoiding Uni with being needed at work. I first thought maybe I was affected by anxiety especially when it came to Uni when I was very suddenly falling asleep when I tried to read or attend lectures. I would be completely fine, not tired at all, then I would get so dizzy and drained that it was too difficult to possibly stay awake, it was painful to try to maintain consciousness in fact. Then I would wake on a couch in a hall in the middle of uni, or on a desk in the library, look at my watch, 'shit, I've missed my lecture!'

It is so frustrating to know my brain doesn't function as well as it once did. My memory, my concentration, my thinking power are all impaired. The meds I am currently on are meant to help, I am not sure if they are, I don't know how well my brain would be functioning without them. I am hoping next semester will be different, I am hoping the excitement of a new semester with incredibly exciting subjects, Social Psychology and Philosophy, will motivate myself to push through this shutting down of my brain and force it to work like it should.

I have a chicken and the egg situation going on here. Did it begin with my mental abilities being impaired which then resulted in anxiety about not being able to succeed at Uni? Or did it begin with anxiety, not specific to Uni, to which impaired cognitive abilities is a symptom. Which came first, the brain shut down or the anxiety? My original thinking was the anxiety came first, hence it being present in Thailand. Which is why I decided to take some time off from Uni, work on the anxiety - counselling, meds, improvements in situation, develop tools, etc. And that way, when I get back into the study my anxieties will be less prevalent and therefore my brain will function better. But, although my anxiety plays a smaller role in my life now, my cognitive abilities are still impaired! Which results in anxiety about not being able to get my assessments done. So maybe impaired cognition does come first. Or maybe it's not as simple as that and it is a combination, a blurred mess!

I know I can do it. And I have the motivation. I think about how great it will be to finish these assessments and move past this ugly, ugly semester and never look at it again! I am going to have a lie down and rest and then hopefully I can give it another go...the story of this semester!

Gah!

"drinkthebeamdrinkthebeamdrinkthebeamdrinkthebeamdrinkthebeamdrinkthebeamdrinkthebeam!"

"I thought I told you to stand in the corner!"

"drinkthebeamdrinkthebeamdrinkthebeamdrinkthebeamdrinkthebeamdrinkthebeamdrinkthebeam!"

Another dusty one

Here is another one that I wrote and saved on my laptop. The reason I am bringing the old ones up is because I am treating this blog like a diary and I no longer want bits and pieces in different locations. I have many diaries, all with pretty covers, all of which I was very keen to be writing in regularly, all of which I lost interest in as it got messy. After abandoning a diary I would realise the therapeutic benefits months later, get excited again, and buy a new one, of course with a pretty cover. So, this is my solution, I can change the 'cover' as much as I like, and there's no messy handwriting and it is always around to take a break from and pick up again as I please.

Also, it's interesting to have a blast from the past. And this next old post is definitely an interesting one to stumble upon. Again, I managed to post without any after the fact editing which is quite an achievement for me, especially when posting publicly. P.S. There are 2 more to come, at a later date. These aren't normal post but rather short stories.

Thursday 19^th February, 1:20am

I saw ***** Monday night, the night I got home from Thailand. So often in the 3 weeks in Thailand I thought about seeing ***** again and what it would be like, just as I had previously thought so much about what our last night together would be like and so on. When I first saw him, my immediate thoughts were 'shit, I don't feel it.' I definitely still had feelings for him, it just wasn't the passionate, heart beating, feel amazing type feelings. He didn't feel it for me either. It's quite sad, I thought and he thought we could be something amazing and it has fizzled down to nothing. We are both out to work out how we feel about each other and where we stand now, which I think will be nothing and nowhere.

I think with my attraction to *****, there was 2 things going on. One was (or maybe is, I don't know yet) a genuine attraction for him, a love for parts of him and a desire to be with him and to grow with him. But at the same time there was also a desperation to be with someone and not to be alone, which wasn't subtle despite my attempt to down play it. Although there was a genuine want to be with ***** and an attraction to him, it was greatly encouraged and made urgent by this need to be in a relationship. It means that once I separated which was genuine attraction and which was my need to be with someone, the genuine attraction, although still real, wasn't enough to be with him. I knew this, in the back of my mind, but my reasoning was that as ***** and I build something, my feelings for him will grow in to something justifiable. Also, I knew ***** would be good for me, in terms of growth and allowing me to be the person I want to be, which was further justification that it was good to be with him despite a huge drive coming from fear of being alone.

I spoke a bit about needing to be with someone in my previous entry. I spoke about being used to having someone there during my day to day stuff, about needing to have someone to fill my thoughts and about having someone to look after and look after me – someone to be in love with. Another reason that I feel I need to be with someone is for my self esteem, mainly around body image issues. When I get down about my body, it's rarely about how I feel about it, becuase I genuinely love my body. Instead, it's about what I think guys will think of it and that I feel I could never be seen as sexy. I have found, when a guy is attracted to me as a person, they are, as a result, attracted to my body (or can at least stand it). So being with someone and having someone accept my body was important for me for self esteem issues. When I would get down about my body I would remind myself that ***** and Cam are attracted to me sexually and that would shut up the voices.

One from the vault

Looksie what I found. This was where my thinking was at the start of the year. This was something I felt at the time shouldn't be blogged but instead saved on my laptop to stumble across at a later date, like tonight. Now the real challenge is for me to post it without editing after the fact.

To set the scene, I was just getting used to the idea of being on my own in terms of a partner for the first time. I wrote this my first night alone in Thailand, the night I got out of hospital and Cam had flown down to the South to soak up the sun. I was in a gorgeous Bangkok hotel, I had a Jim Beam in hand but couldn't drink it, not after being on a drip for more than 24 hours! (Oh God! I want to go back!)

Saturday 31^st January, 9:00pm

Today for some unimportant reason the familiar 3 words 'I hate me' popped into my head. Although, as this happened, it occurred to me that this was the first time this had happened in a while, I don't remember the last time I had that thought. I felt fantastic realising this, seeing how much better I am doing. Every day I am happier, stronger, braver, and more loving towards myself.

Although, along side all this, there is still something I allow myself to do that brings me down. Detrimental thoughts that I allow myself to have regardless of how healthy the rest of my thoughts are becoming. These thoughts are running scenarios in my head where I am with either ***** or *****. I allow myself to have these thoughts because they feel good at the time, but the big picture is that these thoughts link in with me being uncomfortable with being alone and cause a lot more problems than they are worth. I fall quite far with this kind of thinking. On one certain day not long before I left for Thailand, for most of the day I felt this overwhelming anxiety and pain. I felt like I did when I was first dealing with being on my own, very intense. I didn't understand why I had taken so many steps back, why this particular day, what had triggered it after I had been doing so well for weeks. It was so out of the blue and unexplained. Then it occurred to me that it was the last night that ***** and I could spend together before I left for Thailand. Which we of course weren't spending together. I was fine with not being with ***** before I left on a cognitive and logical level. But it turns out it was all the thinking I had done around what that night would be like that finally got the better of me. This is just an example of how this way of thinking is detrimental, I had a similar, less intense experience today of a scenario in my head not coming true. This is something I need to explore, because although I have come so far in the last couple months of being on my own, this is still significantly weighing me down.

First let's look at what it is about being on my own, without a certain someone that is so difficult and hopefully this will bring clarity. Part of what it is is a general feeling I have, that is always there. A feeling like I need to share every part of my experience with someone, a certain someone. This feeling is there from the littlest and most everyday things to important thoughts, feelings and actions. Even as I write this now, I keep thinking I wish someone, preferably ***** or ***** would read it. When I was with Cam this feeling and way of being was reinforced because he was there so much and did share such a significant part of my day and life with me. This feeling or need becomes a problem because it becomes a huge part of my thinking and as a result becomes an influence on how I feel – frustrated, stressed, alone.

Another part of the difficulty for me to be alone is being used to often thinking about this certain someone. And again, this was reinforced while I with Cam as I was often thinking about him, it made me feel good. I guess if I can't do that then my mind doesn't know what to fill that thinking space with. Is that because I was using those thoughts as a distraction from my anxieties and depression? Is it because if my mind isn't always busy then I experience panic and anxiety?

This difficulty for me to being alone also comes from that I love to be in love. I love to have someone to be there for and for someone to be there for me. I feel comfortable and safe knowing I have that certain someone there, always with me. The question that comes to mind here is why isn't my other relationships, including my one with Kristy, enough to satisfy this need or desire? I am loved and am in love with my closest friends, my family and with Kristy. Why does it have to be ***** or ***** and previously Cam?

Wow, no editing at all, besides blanking out certain person's names out of respect for them. It is amazing to read that and to remember those days and to see how I have changed and how different things are now. I guess one could compare my 'playground' post and this one, written 5 months before.

A Box of 'Roses'?

Now to thank all the people whom I had never met that felt it was important to go out of their way to say how good I am looking, how they have noticed the weight loss and how proud I should be of myself. People at the gym, neighbors, my lollipop lady...hmm, I am going to need dozens of boxes of chocolates.

I was working as a waitress at a cocktail bar

Cam was fantastic with encouraging me when I was loosing weight. Sure, there were times when his desire to drink with me got the better of him. But mostly there was lots of 'you don't really want that chocolate,' 'the gym will fun' and 'Go, Kristy, go!' While the encouragement was fantastic, it wasn't until yesterday that I realised what role Cam played that really made the difference with the weight loss.

Getting back into the weight loss, I have had the same desire and passion to make it happen as I had last time. But this time something is missing and until yesterday I couldn't quite work out what it was. This is where Cam comes in. Cam was a spark that kept me firing. Sure, I was doing it for me, and I would have done it regardless but knowing Cam was incredibly proud of me was a great motivator. At the gym I would run motivating thoughts through my head, often on the treadmill I'd do the weight loss maths ('if I keep loosing weight at this rate by Nov I will weigh x' etc.) to keep myself going. Which was great for what it is, but to come home and say to Cam 'I did 2 classes, back to back!' or 'I increased my weights today!' or 'I weigh less than 100kgs!' and for Cam to be so proud of me, that was what really got the motivation pumping! I can't thank him enough.

Since I recognised this as one of the reasons that I am not loosing weight this time around I feel a sense of empowerment. Now that it has been recognised it is time to increase my motivations. The fact that I will be taking a training course in Body Step instructing at the end of July is a good start, I will have no choice to but to be fit and healthy! It's all there; my desire, my passion, the extrinsic and intrinsic motivations. It is mostly a habit thing, being used to having Cam there. Like I say, I don't need him to make it happen, he just made it better and easier. This time I need to take on the roles that Cam once did as well as the ones I currently am and just make it happen!

An anxiety update

Six anxiety free posts later it's time for an update. I had a panic today, a moment of uncontrollable crying, an 'omg, where's the Valium!' experience. This only lasted 10 or so minutes which is fantastic considering I have had these last many, many, *sigh* many hours. After eating some good, healthy food I felt much better, my panics and tears subsided. Although, for the rest of the day I felt the anxiety just on the surface and had to work hard to keep it away, work hard to keep away my strong desire to drink. Something as insignificant as a few pieces of clothing on my floor would stress me out and I'd have to calm myself from that. Right now I feel sick because I ate so many weetbix and toast today. Why did I eat so much weetbix and toast? Because it's very unfortunately what I do when the anxiety hits. Although, among all this bleak talking, there is a reason my last 6 posts haven't been about the anxiety. I have mostly been great, getting through my day with little or minimal anxiety and only the rare panic. It's probably time to move on from reporting on when I panic and what it feels like, and start doing work on what is causing it and prevention. Watch this space.

The world is my playground!

Since I have been a single gal I have dated, had feelings for and been with quite a few guys (quite a few in comparison to the first 8 years of my romantic life which was spent with the one guy). The last 7 months have been...interesting. Who knew one could learn so much about themselves, and the male race (:-p) in such a short time?

With so much 'activity' (again, relative to what I have known previously) I am trying to keep my head straight about how I am feeling about certain people and where I want to be with these people, let alone how they feel about me and where they want to be with me! The attitude I am hanging onto in all this is to have fun ;-) and prioritise this time in my life for looking out for Kristy. Having a partner is not on that list of priorities. Right now, it seems like more hassle than it's worth, if I am to be with someone it means they are to be as important to me as I am to me. I'd know them as well as I know myself, I'd love them as much as I love myself, I'd want to spend as much time with them as I do myself. Gah, why bother! Especially with the fab friends I have and the busy life I am living.

I know it will be very different when my next love does come along, after all it's not like I was looking for a long time partner when I found Cam, it just happened. My next love will be someone I want to spend days and days in bed with, talking, cuddling, kissing. When this person comes along I will know they are going to be something amazing, the next fantastic thing in my life. I will date and be with people, happily. But I ain't looking for more than that...until I find it :-).

I say 'person', not 'guy' because there's nothing to say I won't spend the next chapter of my romantic life with a woman. I remember when I first realised I was attracted to females, I was about 15. It started as a sexual attraction to girls. I then started asking questions, 'does this make me bisexual? 'What does it mean to be bisexual?' This was at a time when a great deal of girls at school were waving their 'I'm into girls' flags and wearing their 'I am bisexual' badges. It was so obviously the attention they were attracted to more than they were girls. I never wanted it to be like that for me, for me it was about understanding these feelings and who I was (wow, what cliche 'experiemental, finding herself' teen antics).

Whether I was 'bisexual' didn't matter too much anyway since I was with Cam and this was a forever thing at this stage. But still, I came to an understanding, which I still stand by, that hetro, bi or homo are all just words and labels that mean nothing. What is important is whether one is in a romantic relationship with that sex. Sexual attraction is all fine and dandy but, in my opinion, it's not really a sexual orientation until you can spend your life with that person as your partner, who you love.

So while I was with Cam that was as far as I have been able to understand my sexuality, that I am attracted to girls. I am yet to discover how I feel about them on a romantic or real level. I believe my romantic feelings for girls won't be any different to that of guys, I have feelings for the person, not their sex. But I guess I won't know for sure until I date women in my next chapter.

What a big exciting world out there! My playground! I have been on the swing for so long, and I love and have loved the swing. But hey, there is so much more to play on. Slides, ladders, bridges, 'boingy' things, hopscotch, monkey bars, sand pit...it goes on. So, get out there, have fun, enjoy the playground and perhaps one day I will find something I love as much as I loved the swing, but why rush when there is so much to discover :-)!

To give or not to give, that is the question

Tonight on the train a girl of about 16 approached me, holding the hand of a younger girl, perhaps 13. The older girl asked me if I had some money to spare, possibly a small note, for her and her sister as they are homeless. I gave the girl $4, a smile and wishes for a good night. The rest of the carriage gave shakes of the head. This situation raises many questions.

I have always been a strong believer in always giving money when asked for it in the street. My main reasoning behind doing this is that showing compassion for this person means so much more, on a bigger scale than the money means to them. The smile, the understanding, the empathy, the kind words, the hope, the trust etc. that this person receives means so much to this person. Generally people don't understand that there is so much more to homelessness than lack of money and therefore lack of a home. Usually what has significantly contributed to this person's situation is something tragic; mental illness, drug addiction, domestic violence, child abuse and it goes on. This person has gone through so much hard times in their last few years than most people go through in their whole lives. And sure, while they'll appreciate the money, for drugs, drink, food, shelter or whatever, I believe that restoring their faith that the world can be a good place, and people will help them is so valuable. This faith is required before any change can occur, if this person experiences learned helplessness they will never be able to help themselves.

But lately I have been challenging my actions of giving money to those who ask. I have been asking does this reinforce their behaviors and homelessness as a whole? What I can be sure about, is that regularly buying 'the Big Issue' and spending some of my time volunteering to improve the situation is the first thing I'll be doing before giving to beggars. This of course addresses the problem and the cause, correction and prevention which is fantastic.

But bringing it back to the original question, is it beneficial or detrimental to give money to people who ask on the street? Does the income they recieve from begging reinforce living the way they are? Is it as simple as, I can afford to hand over coins so 'why not'?

Hmmm, now I am too tired, so this will be left here. It is a topic that I am sure will be revisited in other forms at other times. What I will do now is take a moment to appreciate what I have. Lucky for me, I now get to sleep in a comfy, warm and safe bed.

Where's Sigmund when you need him?

'Ahuh!' moments are fabulous! I had one in my last counselling session, last week. Since then my conscious and subconscious minds have been playing with it, passing it back and forth, 'umm'ing and 'ahh'ing over it, seeing what they make of it.
An 'ahuh' moment; a piece of insight is gained, the more one thinks about it the more it makes sense, pieces of the life puzzle all fit together, and a weight is lifted - a sigh of relief. So much to discover, so much to analyse, explore and understand, so much to 'ahuh.'

Tiddly Pom

How cute is the sight of a large umbrella tilted so that only walking legs show beneath. The sight becomes wonderful when these legs are walking along Melbourne's beautiful Southbank. It becomes fantastic when I see this sight, plus many more amazing ones out the window from my work desk.

The walking umbrella makes me think of Christopher Robin 'Tut-tut, it looks like rain. Tut-tut, it looks like rain.' How beautiful is A. A. Milne's writing and E. H. Shepard's illustrations? How nice to snuggle up in bed with a Kitten, a hot chocolate and Winnie-the-Pooh on a rainy evening.

I feel like some good food tonight, feel like treating myself to something nice. I just had a moment of being swarmed with reminders of the 'Kristy and Cameron in love' saga. While typing about Winnie-the-Pooh the time ticked over to 4.24 and when thinking about somewhere nice to eat I look out my window to see the restaurant at which Cam and I celebrated our 1 year anniversary. Now this isn't something I should be casually blogging about. As suggested by 'saga,' it deserves so much more than that. Oh, so much more.

I get frustrated when I think that I have only done a few hours of work today and the rest was spent...well I'm not allowed to talk about anxiety...the rest was spent picking daisies. What a wasted day! But then I remind myself, to get upset about wasted time is only wasting more time. What's done is done, can't be changing that, so make up for it by living life...get out there and pick some daisies!

Once more, with feeling!

The last post was quite matter a fact, I wanted to get out on 'paper' where I've been and where I'm going so I can get it clear in my head, get some perspective, work out what's going on now. Although, the last post really did make the whole experience seem quite clinical and emotionless. So here it is, one more time, with feeling.

The feeling that comes from treating myself to sexy lingerie or having a stranger go out of their way to tell me how fantastic I am looking (both of which happened this morning) is fabulous!

I can't even describe how incredibly proud I am of myself for the weight that I have lost. I feel that it is another amazing achievement I have made in my life which says so much. When I see myself naked in the mirror my mood is always uplifted. My body isn't the prettiest thing, it looks a bit like a war torn land (which is exactly what it is, it has been a battle ground for many years). But my body represents the huge achievement I have made and when I see it I remember what I have done why I did it.

I used to have so many aches and pains. My feet, my back, my legs, constantly throughout the day at night my body would plead for relief. And now that is nothing but a memory. I love the feeling of feeling the development of my muscles, feeling my legs and arms toning up, seeing myself squatting with an incredibly large barbell on my shoulders! Another motivation to get fit and healthy was to be able to run, to climb, to dance, just to be able to move! Our bodies are meant to be our tools in this life, there to make it a fantastic one and in the state I was in I couldn't do much with it but waddle. Now I run, I dance, I dodge in an out of crowds, I can do so much that I just couldn't before. I have even climbed over tennis court fences just for fun (thanks Paris!) And the benefits keep on coming, if I had of continued the way I was, I would have diabetes now and who knows what other physical and psychological illnesses but instead my health is super important, I get regular services and tune ups and I am in top shape! Without deciding to get trim and terrific I wouldn't have found Body Step. I love my Step and I certainly wouldn't be instructing if I hadn't become healthy and fit. I could go on and on, endlessly listing why I love my new body and why when I see myself in the mirror I can only smile.

Basically, I am ecstatic about loosing 40 kilos! The thought of it, seeing my new body and the endless benefits get me on such a high! Tick it off my list, now what's next?

"Do you think you'll ever put the weight back on?"

"Not a chance, not after everything I went though to loose it. At the very least if I start gaining weight again I'll recognise it and stop it this time," Kristy replies with confidence. Well at least part of it is true. I have recognised that I am gaining weight again. But why am I not stopping it?

So this is how it has gone down so far...From my early teens up until I was about 19 I gained weight at steady rate. I didn't really mind or notice until I was about 16 at which point I was too unmotivated to do anything. When New Year came around I would think 'if only I had done something about my weight a year ago, if I had done something then I wouldn't be over weight now!' I would feel down about it but never motivated myself to do anything and instead gain more weight. And every New Year I would think the same thing. Finally after 3 or 4 years of thinking this way and continuing to gain weight my thinking changed (probably coinciding with coming out of my depression). My new thinking was 'if I start loosing weight now, then this time next year I won't be as big!' And that was it, from that moment I would only ever get smaller and healthier! It was literally a moment in time where something switched inside me and that was it, the weight was going to be lost no question. At this point I was 104.7 kilos and morbidly obese.

From the get go I had the right attitude and the right approach, right down to the language. I wasn't dieting I was eating responsibly I wasn't trying to loose weight I was loosing weight! I knew it would take time, although I had my moments of frustration wanting it now or faster, I knew it was unhealthy and unrealistic for it to happen too fast. I made sure I was gentle and loving to myself. And most of all I knew it was (or is) a lifestyle change that would benefit me for the rest of my life.

Being as big as I was it didn't take much to get the weight loss started. I began by choosing 1 diet related bad habit and 1 exercise related bad habit to change. I gave myself 2 weeks where I focused only on those 2 things and turned them into permanent healthy habits for life. I had a poster on my wall called 'My Healthy Habit Friends!' So the weight came off. The more I lost the more things I changed in my life to encourage more weight loss and a healthy body.

About 2 years later I weighed about 72 kilos. I decided to take a break from the weight loss here, not be so strict on my exercising and controlled eating and just maintain my weight. So I drank a bit more, ate more oreos and soy icecream and didn't always get up super early to get myself to the gym! Not only did I manage to maintain my weight with this lifestyle, but in the 9 months I did this for I actually lost 9 kilos! Not so surprising because I was still responsible. After all, my healthy habit friends were designed exactly for that reason, making mainting my weight an easy and mostly unconscious effort!

I decided to loose the remaining weight, and have spent the last 5 or so months attempting to get back into it. And one would think after loosing 40ish kilos that loosing a measly 5-8 wouldn't be too difficult. Boy-howdy! Somehow, as previously mentioned, I am managing to gain weight! Which just isn't right, especially since I was able to loose 1 kilo a month when I was being a lot more chill than I am now. I am finding myself exercising 4 or 5 times a week, barely drinking and not eating much crap...something else is in play here.

So instead of continuing the way I am; pushing myself too hard at the gym and cutting out all excess kjs for about 3 weeks until I snap when it all gets too much and then binge and not exercise for a week...lather, rinse, repeat...I am going to really step back and look at me, motivations, attitudes, feelings, lifestyle, emotions, etc. and work out what is going on here and the best approach.