I thought once I found what I loved in life it'd just flow, come naturally and things would be easier. "I thought if I succeeded I'd be happy and they'd go away." I love working out, going to the gym, going to Step and Pump classes. I love eating good, healthy, positive foods. I love getting lost in music, a good book or a TV series. I love helping people out where there's a need. I love hanging out with my friends and sharing something fantastic there. My job is good, uni is great, blah, blah, blah. What I love in life is being good to myself and being good to others. It's simple stuff that makes me happy; the sun, my dogs, people smiling. It seems to me, that if it's all so simple then I shouldn't be going through what I am. I had an entire weekend to enjoy with nothing to concern me, so why couldn't I enjoy it, meet up with my friends, read a book, cuddle my dogs, watch the Office. It makes sense and seems easy, but instead I spent nearly the entire weekend crying and panicking and feeling this intense pain. I wanted so desperately to be happy and I can't understand what is stopping it. I have set myself up for a good life, I have worked hard for it. Shouldn't it be time enough to be happy and enjoy what I have.
I feel silly writing this, like I am naive to what life is really like. It sounds like I think I should just get what I want because I've already struggled. Or that life should be easy, that it isn't an ongoing challenge. That you pay your dues and then it is all hunky dory from then out. I know that's not the case, I know life will always be up and down and that the downs are just as important as the ups. I know everyone has their struggles and to say 'why me' or 'it's unfair' is an insult to the person next to me and their experience. But, sigh, it does seem like the amount I put in is not equal to what I get out. Sure, I could work at it; eat well and exercise, go into work every day, get my assessments done, help out family and friends who are needing support, go to my counselling, continue taking my medication, work through my anxiety. But then in a week I just might be struck by these panic attacks and I am simply unable to continue and I loose all that I have put in for, and honestly get nothing back. 6 steps forward, 23 back!
Oh well, that being said, it makes no difference. There is nothing else I can do but eat well and exercise, go into work every day, get my assessments done, help out family and friends who are needing support, go to my counselling, continue taking my medication, work through my anxiety...Regardless of what comes from it, because that is what I love and who I am.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
I don't want it, honestly I don't
Why can't I lift this dark cloud surrounding me? Why do so many of my days begin and end with a panic that I need to fight it all throughout? Why does my mind struggle with simple tasks? Why does my heart race so much that it feels like I can't breathe or it is going to explode? Why am I so often nauseous that I feel like I need to vomit? I am a Psychology student, I know exactly why; it's an Anxiety Disorder. But sometimes I feel it's not as simple as that.
I could go on using text book Psychology explaining why I so often want to cry, to cut, to hide, to escape. But at the same time, I more strongly want to smile, to play, to work, to live and I just don't. Sometimes I feel like I am choosing to feel the pain. As much as I hate to admit to it, sometimes it feels like I have a choice in front of me; either to use the tools and strength I have to pull myself out and be who I love being or to not and to be in this dark, horrible place. This is not always the case, sometimes I am hit with anxiety and I know there is no choice. In that scenario it is pure panic that is out of my control.
But what about the times when it is in my control? Why do I make the choice to continue feeling this way? Is it because I want to avoid doing something? Is it because I am looking for attention? Is it because I have been experiencing mental illness for so long that I have made it my identity and I am not ready to let that label go? Is it because if I wasn't fighting this I wouldn't know what to do with myself? Or maybe I'm not making that choice at all, and it really is just too damn hard at times to pull myself out.
I could go on using text book Psychology explaining why I so often want to cry, to cut, to hide, to escape. But at the same time, I more strongly want to smile, to play, to work, to live and I just don't. Sometimes I feel like I am choosing to feel the pain. As much as I hate to admit to it, sometimes it feels like I have a choice in front of me; either to use the tools and strength I have to pull myself out and be who I love being or to not and to be in this dark, horrible place. This is not always the case, sometimes I am hit with anxiety and I know there is no choice. In that scenario it is pure panic that is out of my control.
But what about the times when it is in my control? Why do I make the choice to continue feeling this way? Is it because I want to avoid doing something? Is it because I am looking for attention? Is it because I have been experiencing mental illness for so long that I have made it my identity and I am not ready to let that label go? Is it because if I wasn't fighting this I wouldn't know what to do with myself? Or maybe I'm not making that choice at all, and it really is just too damn hard at times to pull myself out.
Friday, May 29, 2009
A spectrum is a condition that is not limited to a specific set of values but can vary infinitely within a continuum.
It's interesting how when I am doing great and not experiencing anxiety (which I must say is much more often than not these days) the anxious feelings are so foreign and distant that I actually think that I must have 'made them up' and they won't be back. When feeling great and happy I can't imagine how I could go from that place to the panic place. And the reverse is true as well. When I have been hit with severe panics I can't imagine getting past it and feeling good again. Logically, based on past experience I know it will pass. Even if I sit through it and don't even fight it I know it will pass but in that intense emotional state I guess everything else is blurred but the feelings and associated thoughts.
What I am attempting to describe here is that although usually I am living in the middle of the spectrum, I can jump from one extreme end to the other just like that, without warning or triggering. And when I am on one of the extreme ends; either so passionately in love with my life and feeling quite blissful (see 'Beautiful People' =p) or having an episode of anxiety (see 'While everyone she know is watching' haha) seeing the other end of the spectrum is rather impossible even although intellectually I am well aware it exists and I know I will find myself there again.
Further to this, there are also times when I will find myself experiencing emotions and thoughts from both extremes. It is a conflicting feeling and the conflict itself is rather painful. I first felt this level or conflict at the airport leaving Thailand. I was so incredibly relieved to be leaving because of the panics experienced there but at the same time was so very sad to be leaving because of how much I loved it. And I know that wanting to go home but not wanting to end a holiday is normal, I guess what makes it 'painful' or notable is the intensity of emotions.
I felt this conflict this morning on my way to work. I felt panics and anxiety and all that comes with that, which I suppose was left over from yesterday's episode (the fact that I haven't been regular with my meds the last week probably doesn't help either). I also felt this sense of extreme happiness and optimism, which mostly came from seeing the beauty in the sun, Melbourne and this amazing painting which has really affected me. As the hours have passed the positive emotions and thoughts have slowly been consuming the negative ones, and the few anxieties that are left over I can fight with my kung-fu moves!
What I am attempting to describe here is that although usually I am living in the middle of the spectrum, I can jump from one extreme end to the other just like that, without warning or triggering. And when I am on one of the extreme ends; either so passionately in love with my life and feeling quite blissful (see 'Beautiful People' =p) or having an episode of anxiety (see 'While everyone she know is watching' haha) seeing the other end of the spectrum is rather impossible even although intellectually I am well aware it exists and I know I will find myself there again.
Further to this, there are also times when I will find myself experiencing emotions and thoughts from both extremes. It is a conflicting feeling and the conflict itself is rather painful. I first felt this level or conflict at the airport leaving Thailand. I was so incredibly relieved to be leaving because of the panics experienced there but at the same time was so very sad to be leaving because of how much I loved it. And I know that wanting to go home but not wanting to end a holiday is normal, I guess what makes it 'painful' or notable is the intensity of emotions.
I felt this conflict this morning on my way to work. I felt panics and anxiety and all that comes with that, which I suppose was left over from yesterday's episode (the fact that I haven't been regular with my meds the last week probably doesn't help either). I also felt this sense of extreme happiness and optimism, which mostly came from seeing the beauty in the sun, Melbourne and this amazing painting which has really affected me. As the hours have passed the positive emotions and thoughts have slowly been consuming the negative ones, and the few anxieties that are left over I can fight with my kung-fu moves!
Thursday, May 28, 2009
This achieved nothing but dizziness
It has been a while since my last post, 10 days. It may not seem like much but it really is with the life that I am living at present; so much is happening, internally and externally. Usually I don't blog until I have a clear idea of what to post about or a theme to tie it all together, to make it purposeful and logical. Usually I'll be working on an idea in my head for a few days before I allow it to escape into the big, wide world. Let's see what happens when I don't do that!
I have, about 5 times now, began blogging on a thought and not been able to keep up with it before the next one rushes in and out again and so on. It's not the usual way that my mind works and it is enough to make me dizzy. My thoughts are like bouncy balls at the moment, it feels like someone is opening up my head and throwing in a bouncy ball. When it first enters I go 'ahhh, Uni, let's think about that' but as it bounces around inside my skull it builds momentum, flying in all sorts of unpredictable directions that I just can't keep up and it is not in there a minute before it bounces out. It continues in this fashion, another ball is throw in and before it barely has a chance to hit the wall, another is thrown in, these 2 thoughts are bouncing around together in all directions, building speed, becoming more and more difficult to follow. Another enters, one leaves, 2 enters. And it goes on like that.
Through attempting to blog my thoughts, I have found the best thing to do when my mind gets this way is to let the thoughts come and go as they please, not trying to capture them. It has become clear that trying to capture them is so much more difficult than the racing thoughts themselves. The racing thoughts make me dizzy, trying to follow them makes me feel like I could faint. I want anything more to blog on something right now, finding all I can to avoid doing work. But I just can't do it when my thoughts are so hectic! Shame that.
I have, about 5 times now, began blogging on a thought and not been able to keep up with it before the next one rushes in and out again and so on. It's not the usual way that my mind works and it is enough to make me dizzy. My thoughts are like bouncy balls at the moment, it feels like someone is opening up my head and throwing in a bouncy ball. When it first enters I go 'ahhh, Uni, let's think about that' but as it bounces around inside my skull it builds momentum, flying in all sorts of unpredictable directions that I just can't keep up and it is not in there a minute before it bounces out. It continues in this fashion, another ball is throw in and before it barely has a chance to hit the wall, another is thrown in, these 2 thoughts are bouncing around together in all directions, building speed, becoming more and more difficult to follow. Another enters, one leaves, 2 enters. And it goes on like that.
Through attempting to blog my thoughts, I have found the best thing to do when my mind gets this way is to let the thoughts come and go as they please, not trying to capture them. It has become clear that trying to capture them is so much more difficult than the racing thoughts themselves. The racing thoughts make me dizzy, trying to follow them makes me feel like I could faint. I want anything more to blog on something right now, finding all I can to avoid doing work. But I just can't do it when my thoughts are so hectic! Shame that.
Monday, May 18, 2009
Beautiful People
I woke up with such a beautiful scene this morning. Large oak trees lining my path, leaning over slightly to make a tunnel for me to walk through, smiling with me. Their browning leaves falling from the branches, covering the ground, gathering in piles. The piles of leaves whispered amongst themselves, waiting for me to see their beauty, to dance in it and soak it in.
I am on such a high at the moment! Just to think how fortunate we are; to live here, to not live in poverty, to not to be suffering. How many opportunities lie before us?
Walking through the streets this afternoon, I really experienced Melbourne as the beautiful city it is. Through my eyes the city slowed down, the music in my ears matched the scene so perfectly, like a beautiful soundtrack for gorgeous Melbourne. The crowds of people walked softly together, so many diverse faces, each with unique stories behind them. I saw a group of Indigenous Australians and White Australians walking the tram tracks with signs and voices asking for their rights to upheld. The police slowly following behind, allowing their path to be walked.
While I am in such a good place it is important for me to help those who aren't so fortunate. To live with such privilege, I feel I need to acknowledge what I have been handed and to use it to relieve suffering, as much as one can.
I am on such a high at the moment! Just to think how fortunate we are; to live here, to not live in poverty, to not to be suffering. How many opportunities lie before us?
Walking through the streets this afternoon, I really experienced Melbourne as the beautiful city it is. Through my eyes the city slowed down, the music in my ears matched the scene so perfectly, like a beautiful soundtrack for gorgeous Melbourne. The crowds of people walked softly together, so many diverse faces, each with unique stories behind them. I saw a group of Indigenous Australians and White Australians walking the tram tracks with signs and voices asking for their rights to upheld. The police slowly following behind, allowing their path to be walked.
While I am in such a good place it is important for me to help those who aren't so fortunate. To live with such privilege, I feel I need to acknowledge what I have been handed and to use it to relieve suffering, as much as one can.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
With my friends, friends 'til the end is where I want to be
During a small panic the other day I was looking through my phone book trying to decide who to call. I couldn't help but think how fantastic my friends are. Each in their own unique way, each bring something special into my life.
So here it is, a list of 21 qualities that 21 of my closest friends possess, qualities that I love.
I love the conversations we have, beautifully balanced with deep honesty and Simpsons' humour
When you smile I feel fantastic
You are the best thing that has ever happened to me
To play with you is one of life's biggest joys
You and I say so much without words
You know me like no one else, you love me like no one else
You have made my transition into my next stage fabulous!
You...well you are just you. What more can I say?
Your energy uplifts me
If you weren't taken I'd run away with you and live oh so happily ever after ;)
You will distract me from my pain in your own goofy way
You are so strong and so fabulous that I feel warm just being your friend
We'll always click regardless of the time that has passed
You are fiery and compassionate, I'll cling to you
Your unique character will always make me smile and laugh
What a lovable character you are
The most fun I can have in bed are our late night talks
You excite me with future possibilities
You love me unconditionally
You shuffle like an angel
Your hugs melt away my stress
So here it is, a list of 21 qualities that 21 of my closest friends possess, qualities that I love.
I love the conversations we have, beautifully balanced with deep honesty and Simpsons' humour
When you smile I feel fantastic
You are the best thing that has ever happened to me
To play with you is one of life's biggest joys
You and I say so much without words
You know me like no one else, you love me like no one else
You have made my transition into my next stage fabulous!
You...well you are just you. What more can I say?
Your energy uplifts me
If you weren't taken I'd run away with you and live oh so happily ever after ;)
You will distract me from my pain in your own goofy way
You are so strong and so fabulous that I feel warm just being your friend
We'll always click regardless of the time that has passed
You are fiery and compassionate, I'll cling to you
Your unique character will always make me smile and laugh
What a lovable character you are
The most fun I can have in bed are our late night talks
You excite me with future possibilities
You love me unconditionally
You shuffle like an angel
Your hugs melt away my stress
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
A clumsy road metaphor? You bet!
I have made some epic decisions and actioned them in the recent years of my life. Namely, I decided to no longer be clinically obese and I lost 40kgs, I decided to no longer wander aimlessly and I found my counselling course and subsequently my psych/social work degrees, I decided that I wanted alleviate suffering so I became Vegan, I decided to never work in a call center again and I got a job that I couldn't love more, I decided to not be isolated and I have developed amazing friendships with amazing people (you know who you are), I decided to not be in a detrimental partnership (sorry Cam) and I became happy on my own. These decisions and actions were significantly motivated by my depression and not wanting it anymore.
I'm a big believer in not regretting life's experinces. Even the most incredibly painful ones, or the ones that seem inflicted upon us and unfair. My depression was painful, but I got so much out of it in the end. It motivated me to do the fantastic things I've done. It motivated me to become the person I am, and I couldn't love this person any more! (Hear that Damo-baby, it's ok to say it loud and proud :) - 6 things coming my way?). So, while I am scared of my anxiety, what it will be like and the long road ahead of me. I remind myself that it is only going to make me a stronger person, the end of the road will be a place I love; a place I was ment to end up in, whatever road I ended up taking to get there.
Already my anxiety has motivated me to make a decision and to begin to action it! This decision and this action is something I have been building up the courage to do for a very, very long time. I had a conversation with my mum on an adult to adult level, no longer, and never again mother to child. This conversation was something that needed to happen before mum and I coud have a real relationship and before I could let go of so much I've been holding onto. This conversation was a stop along the anxious road, I saw the road signs indicating I was getting closer, which caused much anxiety. I knew I had a choice; to speed up and not stop here or to finally stop and face what's there. I have passed this landmark on the roads I have taken many times. Every time I have seen the road sign I have sped up, I have never been ready to face it.
So here I am, proud to have stopped and glad I am still standing strong. After I leave this place and continue down the road of Kristy's anxiety, I know there are other significant landmarks I will pass, some I am expecting and some I have no idea about until I am right on top of them. Sounds like a fun road? You bet!
I'm a big believer in not regretting life's experinces. Even the most incredibly painful ones, or the ones that seem inflicted upon us and unfair. My depression was painful, but I got so much out of it in the end. It motivated me to do the fantastic things I've done. It motivated me to become the person I am, and I couldn't love this person any more! (Hear that Damo-baby, it's ok to say it loud and proud :) - 6 things coming my way?). So, while I am scared of my anxiety, what it will be like and the long road ahead of me. I remind myself that it is only going to make me a stronger person, the end of the road will be a place I love; a place I was ment to end up in, whatever road I ended up taking to get there.
Already my anxiety has motivated me to make a decision and to begin to action it! This decision and this action is something I have been building up the courage to do for a very, very long time. I had a conversation with my mum on an adult to adult level, no longer, and never again mother to child. This conversation was something that needed to happen before mum and I coud have a real relationship and before I could let go of so much I've been holding onto. This conversation was a stop along the anxious road, I saw the road signs indicating I was getting closer, which caused much anxiety. I knew I had a choice; to speed up and not stop here or to finally stop and face what's there. I have passed this landmark on the roads I have taken many times. Every time I have seen the road sign I have sped up, I have never been ready to face it.
So here I am, proud to have stopped and glad I am still standing strong. After I leave this place and continue down the road of Kristy's anxiety, I know there are other significant landmarks I will pass, some I am expecting and some I have no idea about until I am right on top of them. Sounds like a fun road? You bet!
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