A spectrum is a condition that is not limited to a specific set of values but can vary infinitely within a continuum.

It's interesting how when I am doing great and not experiencing anxiety (which I must say is much more often than not these days) the anxious feelings are so foreign and distant that I actually think that I must have 'made them up' and they won't be back. When feeling great and happy I can't imagine how I could go from that place to the panic place. And the reverse is true as well. When I have been hit with severe panics I can't imagine getting past it and feeling good again. Logically, based on past experience I know it will pass. Even if I sit through it and don't even fight it I know it will pass but in that intense emotional state I guess everything else is blurred but the feelings and associated thoughts.

What I am attempting to describe here is that although usually I am living in the middle of the spectrum, I can jump from one extreme end to the other just like that, without warning or triggering. And when I am on one of the extreme ends; either so passionately in love with my life and feeling quite blissful (see 'Beautiful People' =p) or having an episode of anxiety (see 'While everyone she know is watching' haha) seeing the other end of the spectrum is rather impossible even although intellectually I am well aware it exists and I know I will find myself there again.

Further to this, there are also times when I will find myself experiencing emotions and thoughts from both extremes. It is a conflicting feeling and the conflict itself is rather painful. I first felt this level or conflict at the airport leaving Thailand. I was so incredibly relieved to be leaving because of the panics experienced there but at the same time was so very sad to be leaving because of how much I loved it. And I know that wanting to go home but not wanting to end a holiday is normal, I guess what makes it 'painful' or notable is the intensity of emotions.

I felt this conflict this morning on my way to work. I felt panics and anxiety and all that comes with that, which I suppose was left over from yesterday's episode (the fact that I haven't been regular with my meds the last week probably doesn't help either). I also felt this sense of extreme happiness and optimism, which mostly came from seeing the beauty in the sun, Melbourne and this amazing painting which has really affected me. As the hours have passed the positive emotions and thoughts have slowly been consuming the negative ones, and the few anxieties that are left over I can fight with my kung-fu moves!