Another dusty one

Here is another one that I wrote and saved on my laptop. The reason I am bringing the old ones up is because I am treating this blog like a diary and I no longer want bits and pieces in different locations. I have many diaries, all with pretty covers, all of which I was very keen to be writing in regularly, all of which I lost interest in as it got messy. After abandoning a diary I would realise the therapeutic benefits months later, get excited again, and buy a new one, of course with a pretty cover. So, this is my solution, I can change the 'cover' as much as I like, and there's no messy handwriting and it is always around to take a break from and pick up again as I please.

Also, it's interesting to have a blast from the past. And this next old post is definitely an interesting one to stumble upon. Again, I managed to post without any after the fact editing which is quite an achievement for me, especially when posting publicly. P.S. There are 2 more to come, at a later date. These aren't normal post but rather short stories.

Thursday 19^th February, 1:20am

I saw ***** Monday night, the night I got home from Thailand. So often in the 3 weeks in Thailand I thought about seeing ***** again and what it would be like, just as I had previously thought so much about what our last night together would be like and so on. When I first saw him, my immediate thoughts were 'shit, I don't feel it.' I definitely still had feelings for him, it just wasn't the passionate, heart beating, feel amazing type feelings. He didn't feel it for me either. It's quite sad, I thought and he thought we could be something amazing and it has fizzled down to nothing. We are both out to work out how we feel about each other and where we stand now, which I think will be nothing and nowhere.

I think with my attraction to *****, there was 2 things going on. One was (or maybe is, I don't know yet) a genuine attraction for him, a love for parts of him and a desire to be with him and to grow with him. But at the same time there was also a desperation to be with someone and not to be alone, which wasn't subtle despite my attempt to down play it. Although there was a genuine want to be with ***** and an attraction to him, it was greatly encouraged and made urgent by this need to be in a relationship. It means that once I separated which was genuine attraction and which was my need to be with someone, the genuine attraction, although still real, wasn't enough to be with him. I knew this, in the back of my mind, but my reasoning was that as ***** and I build something, my feelings for him will grow in to something justifiable. Also, I knew ***** would be good for me, in terms of growth and allowing me to be the person I want to be, which was further justification that it was good to be with him despite a huge drive coming from fear of being alone.

I spoke a bit about needing to be with someone in my previous entry. I spoke about being used to having someone there during my day to day stuff, about needing to have someone to fill my thoughts and about having someone to look after and look after me – someone to be in love with. Another reason that I feel I need to be with someone is for my self esteem, mainly around body image issues. When I get down about my body, it's rarely about how I feel about it, becuase I genuinely love my body. Instead, it's about what I think guys will think of it and that I feel I could never be seen as sexy. I have found, when a guy is attracted to me as a person, they are, as a result, attracted to my body (or can at least stand it). So being with someone and having someone accept my body was important for me for self esteem issues. When I would get down about my body I would remind myself that ***** and Cam are attracted to me sexually and that would shut up the voices.