Look what they've done to my brain, Ma

Today's the day I get back into Uni work after about two months of not doing any of it. I begun my day very excited to get a lot of work done on my assessments. I decided to watch a bit of TV first before I got stuck into it. After 5 eps of Friends I set up the table with my books, notes, laptop, pen and highlighter, I'm ready to go! I open up a new page in my notebook, it's fresh and clean. I begin reading the chapter which I have read and understood before, it has highlighting already. I stop mid sentence and decide to put on some music. Reading a few more lines, I stop and open a new Office doc and give it a title. I read a few more words and stop to turn off the music which is distracting me. I start reading again, at this point my head is throbbing and my heart is racing. I decided to eat some lunch and have a shower, then I'll be much better prepared to get this work done, I tell myself. After a bowl of cherries and half a tub of ice cream I find myself chatting to Cam and blogging instead of doing my presentation plan, which is and should be, really very easy!

I am remembering the days before I knew how much I was affected by anxiety. When I thought the panic attacks in Thailand were left in Thailand. When I was justifying avoiding Uni with being needed at work. I first thought maybe I was affected by anxiety especially when it came to Uni when I was very suddenly falling asleep when I tried to read or attend lectures. I would be completely fine, not tired at all, then I would get so dizzy and drained that it was too difficult to possibly stay awake, it was painful to try to maintain consciousness in fact. Then I would wake on a couch in a hall in the middle of uni, or on a desk in the library, look at my watch, 'shit, I've missed my lecture!'

It is so frustrating to know my brain doesn't function as well as it once did. My memory, my concentration, my thinking power are all impaired. The meds I am currently on are meant to help, I am not sure if they are, I don't know how well my brain would be functioning without them. I am hoping next semester will be different, I am hoping the excitement of a new semester with incredibly exciting subjects, Social Psychology and Philosophy, will motivate myself to push through this shutting down of my brain and force it to work like it should.

I have a chicken and the egg situation going on here. Did it begin with my mental abilities being impaired which then resulted in anxiety about not being able to succeed at Uni? Or did it begin with anxiety, not specific to Uni, to which impaired cognitive abilities is a symptom. Which came first, the brain shut down or the anxiety? My original thinking was the anxiety came first, hence it being present in Thailand. Which is why I decided to take some time off from Uni, work on the anxiety - counselling, meds, improvements in situation, develop tools, etc. And that way, when I get back into the study my anxieties will be less prevalent and therefore my brain will function better. But, although my anxiety plays a smaller role in my life now, my cognitive abilities are still impaired! Which results in anxiety about not being able to get my assessments done. So maybe impaired cognition does come first. Or maybe it's not as simple as that and it is a combination, a blurred mess!

I know I can do it. And I have the motivation. I think about how great it will be to finish these assessments and move past this ugly, ugly semester and never look at it again! I am going to have a lie down and rest and then hopefully I can give it another go...the story of this semester!