Perhaps the patches or gum?

Cam so kindly pointed out today that my 'new theory' in my 'Keeping Up Appearances' post is something he and I have discussed and come to realise many times over the years. I feel like this is fresh and exciting but he sees it as done and worn. So either something has gone wrong with the communication between Cam and I around this, possibly either Cam or I have a patchy memory of it or, much more likely, it is like quitting smoking; I will tackle it multiple times before it finally sticks, and it is never going to stick until the mind and body are ready for it to. Perhaps this time I am ready for it to stick, it definitely feels like it, but I am sure it felt the same way the last time I looked at all these issues surrounding my mental health before I quietly slipped into familar patterns.

The last 5 or so days since I have stumbled upon this new idea, a few changes have occured. Firstly my thinking has changed. Sitting at coffee with Alice, as we do each day, I began to speak about how I feel, how the anxiety was effecting me that day and before I could complete my first sentence I stopped and said 'you know what? I am so sick of talking about this.' Alice replied in an instant, 'then don't,' and proceeded to talk our light 'girly talk' which we hold dearly. And that made a difference to my day, not talking about it. And more than that, by not talking about it or obsessing over it, I don't give it a chance to first get into my head and then into my body and bring me down. And I have been applying the attitude as often as I can, I have an image in my head of cutting my throat (sorry guys) and I just don't allow it. It sounds simple and like I could have done that a long time ago, but like I said, it's like quitting smoking.

Another change that has happened recently is I have stopped seeing my counselor. "Good on you, congratulations on feeling you are doing well enough to not require him anymore!" one might say. No! He ceased sessions with me, immediately and unexpectedly! Perhaps I didn't put out enough, as Shaun suggested, while I was in a shocked and fragile state! But reasons and what happened aside, no longer having a counselor is a big shift and it links in with the above paragraph. So, I am going to take this occurrence as the universe supporting this new attitude and approach. And go with it with a skip in my step.

I have also started looking at the fact that I play the damsel in distress role and how that reinforces my negative experience. This is something that I have been conscious of for a long time. It is something that I developed and made habit or became comfortable with during my time with Cam. Oh Cam, you White Knight you! So, as of late I have been conscious of when my state is influenced negatively in the hope of being saved by certain White Knights. Or when I am already down or anxious, not allowing myself to go to my White Knight for saving. Looking to myself for that. And it turns out I can do it on my own and much better than anyone else could anyway.