Keeping up apperances

If someone asked you to describe yourself would you describe who you are or how you want to be seen? Are these identities different and how do we tell the difference between the two? We all send out this image of ourselves of how we want the world to see us. This image varies depending on who's seeing it. I have been asking myself lately, 'which parts of my image are me and which parts only exist because that's how I want to be portrayed?'

I have spent the last couple of days breaking down Kristy into bits and throwing these parts into two chests; 'identities I hold only for others to see' and 'identies true to me.' I've found that a good way to determine between the two is to ask myself, 'if no one knew about this identity would I still hold it?' My veganism is a good example. Truth be told, I love saying to someone 'I am a vegan' and I love being seen as a vegan but if I had to be a vegan without anyone else knowing I would absolutely be one, no doubt. In the 'identies true to me' box it goes! This blog is another good example. I claim that this blog has been made public and known in the spirit of the healthiness of self disclosure. But would I maintain it so passioantely if it were completely private? Perhaps I wouldn't, I'm unsure. That's not to say it's all an image and not who I, not at all. I guess it's just something to keep in mind. Do my best to fill the chest with identities for me and use the other chest minimally for self protection and to keep parts of myself private.

I thought this interesting but it became very interesting and important when I considered that part my recent experiences of anxiety exists because it's an imagine I somehow enjoy putting out there. That I enjoy being seen that way and therefore I am motivated to continue feeling that way! Woah! I don't think that the kind of thing one should admit to. This theroy is still brand new, I need to play around with it some more. Let's say I experienced Depression for a significant amount of time. In that time it became a part of me, rooted itself in my soil, attached itself to many aspects of my life. In my head and in my feelings it became an important part of 'who I am'. So perhaps it is something I could have moved past by now but I am keeping it up because it's part of my identity. And sure, I'll 'woe is me' about it, but perhaps I really do like being seen by others (and especially by specific others, remind me to tell you about this one another time) that way.

So let's ask the question, 'would I still allow myself to still feel that way if no one ever knew?' I have began writting 'I actually think that I wouldn't feel that way...' three times but then I cross it out when I remember the pain of it, I remember how close I am to shutting myself out from the world, I remember the times I have panicked alone not wanting anyone to know, I remember it is something I am being medicated for! I guess it's not as simple as all that, not so black and white.

Definately a tough one to get my head around. I think I am definately onto something here. Although part of what I am going through is genuine and requiring treatment, I think a big part of me doesn't want to let go of that identity and even if I were in a place where I was ready to move on I might not even realise or allow it because of that part clinging on. I think if I were to eliminate the part of this condition that sits in the chest 'for others' it would reduce the frequency and serverity of it all. And that would be just dandy!