Life goes fast, it's hard to make the good things last.

I visited Nicole today. Laying in the bed, if it weren't for the machines and monitors hooked up to her, I would have just thought her to be asleep, in a deep sleep. I held Nicole's hand and she held back, I rubbed Nicole's arm and she felt comforted. It was as if she responded to my touch but at the same she was not responsive at all. She was warm, which I was surprised by. I was then surprised by the surprise, I wasn't sure why was I expecting her to be cold, but I was. I spoke with her for a little while we were alone, I struggled with doing this. Going in there I had the intention of chatting to her about all sorts of things but once there I didn't know what to say beyond "Hey Nicole." Can I really tell her about my life? I can't ask her what's going on for her. I told her that I've been thinking of her every day. I told her I know she's strong and I'm proud of her. And then I stood next to her rubbing her arm until the family came back, it was nice to be by her side providing love and comfort.

Nicole's mum, Chris, wore a face of strength and bravery but below the facade you could clearly see and feel her intense anguish and grief. She is getting herself ready for this to be what her life is from now on. Mothering her grandchild and caring for her brain damaged daughter while keeping herself together and sober throughout. Chris spoke to Nicole with such tenderness and love, "that feels better now Nicole" as she rubbed cocoa butter into her hands and feet. She was a drained soul, weak and empty, but still was clinging onto something, whatever it is she can find to cling onto for the sake of Nicole, for the sake and Nicole's son. Such a strong woman to be able to endure this after already facing the death of her two eldest daughters. Incredible strength.

Nicole's partner's intense pain showed in his face a lot more. When I saw his face all I could think of was how I  would have felt if Cam had this happen to him. I couldn't begin to comprehend such torture. This pain is heightened by guilt of being the driver and walking away without harm. Dave tried to express to me how this torture feels but he couldn't. No one can take the burden and pain away from him, instead he has to sit with it and ride it out until it is time to feel relief. I watched Dave press the knuckles of his closed fist against Nicole's. I wondered if that was a unique thing to them and it made me think of the way Cam and I would scuff each others' palms. I pictured myself in Dave's position and Cam in Nicole's, if it were many years ago. My head dropped and I continue rubbing Nicole's arm.