Fear and Ecsatsy in the Les Mills world

While team teaching yesterday I was fantasising about taking over the class, making it my very own permanent. Dreaming about this cute, comfortable class (which requires me to wake at 5:30 as opposed to 5) being mine, all mine. I'm not considering poisoning the class' current instructor, if that's how this has come across, but instead he is moving to America in 6 weeks. But they were just that, fantasies, I mean, 6 weeks (?!) come on! Nice to dream but I can't be taking my own classes in full in 6 weeks. I have a comfortable goal set for after the next release which is mid December.

During my participation in this morning's class, in a very Kristy way, I was shooting back and forth from thinking 'I can't be an instructor, it's just not in me! And do I even want to be?' to 'I can be great! Hell yeah I want this, this is my passion!' I think in the end I settled on the latter (and by 'I think' I actually mean, 'Hell yeah' :-p). After the class the instructor (a different one to Mr. going-to-America) said my naughtiest fantasies out loud, "you know, with Brad leaving you are in the perfect position to take his class over." You can't say those things! Or can she? And can I!? She said it with a straight face, no mockery there. And more than that, she said that of course I can ready in time!

Now blog, I feel like I am seeking guidance, like I need advice, I feel lost. But why? The path is clear, I talk to the coordinator about the possibility, I tell him I want that class. I work my arse off to be ready in time and I go for it, without hesitation. I said, "without hesitation," but still, I'm hesitating!

I think I have finally reached that point where it is actually hitting me that I am going to be an instructor. I have been living in this surreal, make believe land, I've just been going through the motions but not actually feeling it, nor believing it. Even when I have instructed, even my first time on stage - all a blur. The thought of having a class to call my own as being an actually possibility...omg, seriously, wow.

It's certainly been an interesting ride since the Body Step training, who would have thought the strain would be emotional as much as (or possibly more than) physical? The training weekend itself, which I don't think I told you about, dear blog, was certainly a damn hard physical test, 16 hours of training our bodies to be 'Body Step bodies' as they call it. And the emotional side, the pressures that we were put under, what we had to endure to pass. And I did that, I passed, so there must be some good fight in me! After that weekend came my emotional crash. A week of questioning everything, drinking, not exercising and smoking (smoking!?). After which I found Kristy again, remembered why I was in it, I felt the love for Body Step again and started training once more. The next emotional experience on my Body Step travels was my first stage appearance; shadowing the launch of 78! What this meant to me was incredible! To be part of this launch in such an important way, to be doing so in such an important class, with an amazing  instructor! And it was that, incredible and amazing, to say the least. Again, an emotional crash came, this one was shorter, perhaps 4 days and once again I remembered the passion and up I got. The next Body Step milestone was taking my first tracks. I chose tracks 5 and 6 from release 76 which is the release I fell in love with so hard you couldn't keep me away from Body Step even if you tried. Track 6 was the track I was assessed on and track 5 was the one I wish I was assessed on. It went well, for a first timer, I was pretty good. So I did not, just did not, see myself drinking Jim Beam in an emotionally shaken state that night, but again, the crash came. This one really blew me away, unlike the others it was fast and sharp. It hit as soon as the class finished, or much more accurately, as soon as the adrenaline rush was over. From the great emotional high I was on came a great fall, and I fell, like I say, into my friend Jim. But this was only the one night, although that night I thought there would be no way I'd instruct in 3 days time, the next morning I was up again and absolutely going to instruct again.

So that's where I've been, where I am going now? I have been sitting here thinking on how to answer that question and right now I don't know what to tell you, blog. I can't answer that question right now because I am going so fast from one extreme - not a chance I'm up there in 6 weeks, to the other - of course I can do it! From fearful to ecstatic! Questioning everything. If the previous pattern is anything to go by, this one shouldn't last through the night. Perhaps we'll talk again tomorrow and I'll tell you where I'm at then. Right now, time for Lentils baby!