Why can't I lift this dark cloud surrounding me? Why do so many of my days begin and end with a panic that I need to fight it all throughout? Why does my mind struggle with simple tasks? Why does my heart race so much that it feels like I can't breathe or it is going to explode? Why am I so often nauseous that I feel like I need to vomit? I am a Psychology student, I know exactly why; it's an Anxiety Disorder. But sometimes I feel it's not as simple as that.
I could go on using text book Psychology explaining why I so often want to cry, to cut, to hide, to escape. But at the same time, I more strongly want to smile, to play, to work, to live and I just don't. Sometimes I feel like I am choosing to feel the pain. As much as I hate to admit to it, sometimes it feels like I have a choice in front of me; either to use the tools and strength I have to pull myself out and be who I love being or to not and to be in this dark, horrible place. This is not always the case, sometimes I am hit with anxiety and I know there is no choice. In that scenario it is pure panic that is out of my control.
But what about the times when it is in my control? Why do I make the choice to continue feeling this way? Is it because I want to avoid doing something? Is it because I am looking for attention? Is it because I have been experiencing mental illness for so long that I have made it my identity and I am not ready to let that label go? Is it because if I wasn't fighting this I wouldn't know what to do with myself? Or maybe I'm not making that choice at all, and it really is just too damn hard at times to pull myself out.
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oh my. how i know that feeling.
ReplyDeleteit used to disturb me so much to think of it as a choice, because as you said, why would anybody CHOOSE that ? WHY? it shat me up the wall when people would call up and go 'look, just stop being stupid and come and meet me for lunch. get out of your rut. it's easy.' because I know, and you know, and billions of other people know it's not like that at all. The only choice I can see involved, is choice of whether you pull together a string of coping mechanisms and do pull yourself out (and it's much more gradual than people realise , i suspect) or whether you let it get bigger and bigger. Not whether you experience it or don't.
It IS damn hard to pull yourself out, but it progressively gets easier, I promise.
I really do. I promise.
You just have to keep doing it. And that part, that's not a choice either, because if you don't keep doing it, it will just swallow you up and die, so you automatically DO keep fighting it. Does that make sense? my post isn't making sense this morning, sorry. But I do know what you mean .
and i do promise that one day you'll look back on this and be amazed you felt like that and barely be able to remember it. And contrary to what some people might think, being strong isn't not going through anxiety, it's coming out the other side.
you're not weak because of this. at all.
you're strong, because you're keeping it together, and that will only improve. ok?
:)
And yes, studying psychology is a bit of a bitch when things like this happen. You know exactly why you feel so dizzy and why you can't stop crying over absolutely nothing, but that doesn't mean you can stop it. But at least you know that it's escapeable. And it is. Even though sometimes it seems like it's not.
I know what you say about coming out and looking back on it all too well. That's how I am about the depression now. I remember the days when I would have a depressed episode and I would be affected for a week or so. Then I remember when I would have a depressed episode, it would be far less severe, and a lot shorter and I'd only be affected for a few days. And now I don't ever experience episodes of depression! And I know, without a doubt, it will be the same with my anxiety. (Doesn't change how god damn painful and horrible it feels during a panic where the tears roll and the heart races for hours and hours and hours...until I slip a Valium! Ahhhh peace in my heart!)
ReplyDeleteI liked what you said about the choice of it, 'choice of whether you pull together a string of coping mechanisms and do pull yourself out (and it's much more gradual than people realise , i suspect) or whether you let it get bigger and bigger. Not whether you experience it or don't.' It is so damn true and a great way of looking at it! I can be feeling great and have nothing to stress about and I am hit with it. There is no choice there, it is going to happen regardless of what I am doing. But (as hard as it is sometimes) I have the choice to pull myself out or not. Unfortunately, I think I do choice not to pull myself out at times. Sometimes I actually start feeling better and the 'pull myself out of it' path is right in front of me, but for some reason I turn on my heels and take the 'fall further' path. Which I don't understand yet, like you say 'why would anybody CHOOSE that ? WHY?' I don't know, something to work out with my counsellor. Which reminds me, make my next appointment, stop avoiding girl!...Done, sigh of relief
Haha, I like how both our comments are longer than the post itself (Y)
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