I thought once I found what I loved in life it'd just flow, come naturally and things would be easier. "I thought if I succeeded I'd be happy and they'd go away." I love working out, going to the gym, going to Step and Pump classes. I love eating good, healthy, positive foods. I love getting lost in music, a good book or a TV series. I love helping people out where there's a need. I love hanging out with my friends and sharing something fantastic there. My job is good, uni is great, blah, blah, blah. What I love in life is being good to myself and being good to others. It's simple stuff that makes me happy; the sun, my dogs, people smiling. It seems to me, that if it's all so simple then I shouldn't be going through what I am. I had an entire weekend to enjoy with nothing to concern me, so why couldn't I enjoy it, meet up with my friends, read a book, cuddle my dogs, watch the Office. It makes sense and seems easy, but instead I spent nearly the entire weekend crying and panicking and feeling this intense pain. I wanted so desperately to be happy and I can't understand what is stopping it. I have set myself up for a good life, I have worked hard for it. Shouldn't it be time enough to be happy and enjoy what I have.
I feel silly writing this, like I am naive to what life is really like. It sounds like I think I should just get what I want because I've already struggled. Or that life should be easy, that it isn't an ongoing challenge. That you pay your dues and then it is all hunky dory from then out. I know that's not the case, I know life will always be up and down and that the downs are just as important as the ups. I know everyone has their struggles and to say 'why me' or 'it's unfair' is an insult to the person next to me and their experience. But, sigh, it does seem like the amount I put in is not equal to what I get out. Sure, I could work at it; eat well and exercise, go into work every day, get my assessments done, help out family and friends who are needing support, go to my counselling, continue taking my medication, work through my anxiety. But then in a week I just might be struck by these panic attacks and I am simply unable to continue and I loose all that I have put in for, and honestly get nothing back. 6 steps forward, 23 back!
Oh well, that being said, it makes no difference. There is nothing else I can do but eat well and exercise, go into work every day, get my assessments done, help out family and friends who are needing support, go to my counselling, continue taking my medication, work through my anxiety...Regardless of what comes from it, because that is what I love and who I am.
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hmm. i like subtle but huge realisations like that. i wish i could say something profound about it but i can't. all i can say is, I suspect there isn't a single human alive who hasn't noted something similar.
ReplyDeletethat they thought you'd 'pay your dues and then it is all hunky dory from then out'. It rarely is. In actual fact, it seems to be that you pay your dues, and they pay you back by making you stronger, making things more likely to be hunky dory but by no means a guarantee. Things keep happening, but you keep getting stronger. I don't know where it ends. I don't know if you get SO strong that all the things happening don't bother you, or if they keep happening and you just end up continueing like that forever. i can't say. we're only young. and that's important to remember too! you ARE only young :) there is time to get it down, time to sort out your thoughts and time to go '6 steps forward and 23 back'. it's far better for you to go through this now, than down the track, i suspect. it leaves you free to enjoy things later, to pass on your wisdom, and to learn from every single moment !
I like your thought that 'it's far better for you to go through this now, than down the track.' Because sometimes I think 'omg, I've wasted my youth being depressed, I was ment to be out enjoying life and being young but instead I was in bed crying for a lot of it!' I know this is ridiculous, not only because I have and do enjoy my life, because my 'youth'is by no means coming to an end and because this just happens to be the time that 'almighty' decided I needed to face the things I did, and look at who I am because of it!
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