I love my bear in his cave

Thursday, September 17, 6pm

Here I sit in my funky cave. A truly blissful moment, relaxing on the couch, listening to The Cat Empire, sipping peppermint tea (being proud that it's not Bourbon). These days there is not much in my life that I'd like to be different. Sure, it's hectic and at times overwhelming but it has been carefully designed and architectured by me to be just how I want it.

In the notebook that I currently write in I stumbled upon some writing that I did in January. In this piece I spoke of the grief around the break up with Cam and more specifically how being on my own was an issue for me. After so long of of being in a partnership such as ours it's not an easy thing to move away from. Turns out once you break through missing what's familiar it's quite a nice thing.

I've been pondering on independence lately - independence of moving out, independence of being manager-less and of course, independence by way of the single-hood. When Cam and I were dependent on each other, we had each other to make decisions with, while this was at times a good thing, it was often a dangerous thing. It had a similar affect to group think. I found we tended to support each other in bad decision making more often than good. We were great at taking in turns to disguise, justify or down play the consequences of such decisions. And of course from this habits aren't too far behind.

In the first episode of being single I ran with the bad decision making habit, whether it be with my health, my finances or other. After a little while, I stopped short to realise consequences exist and I am the only one around for them to affect. This is both a scary and empowering thought. Scary because when I get overwhelmed or would like support, I look around and it's just me. Empowering because this life becomes all mine to mold, decisions are mine to make and benefits are mine to reap.

So this being solely responsible for myself thing goes one of two ways. Sometimes I'm scared, overwhelmed and fumbling. Otherwise I'm empowered, in control and like I say, deliberately architecturing an awesome life filled with funky caves with gorgeous inhabitants and a pot of peppermint tea.