It's funny how certain memories stick with you and seem to continue to have an impact long after they no longer matter, and some barely mattered to begin with. One day, quite a few years ago, Cam and I were catching the V-Line from the City to Craigieburn. That's where our car was parked and we were cruising our way home to Broadmeadows from there. As we got off at Craigieburn I saw a woman who was obviously stressed speaking broken English to the train conductor. This lady had boarded the wrong train and was trying to get to Glenroy, she didn't understand why the train didn't stop there or how she was to get home now. The train conductor was being fairly inconsiderate, he pretended to be supportive but was really giving her the 'it's not my problem' brush off. Of course my thoughts went straight to giving this lady a ride home to Glenroy, after all it is 10 mins out of my way. For her to find her way home now would be really, very horrible - this was before Craigieburn was Met, so not an easy trip and additionally her Engish skills were lacking and she was obviously confused about where she was. In the end, for reasons beyond my control, I couldn't take this woman home. I walked passed her and away carrying her problem with me as a heavy burden that belonged to me. I still think about this lady, more often than I really should, after all she is bound to have found her way home by now! When I think of her I feel pained that I couldn't help her, I feel a sense of responsibility and mostly I feel regret.

Why has this memory emerged itself tonight? I've been thinking about my desire to please people and how in doing so sometimes leads to doing wrong by me. I continued to think about this and how this tendency can leak into my relationship with boys. I thought about times when I have spend my evenings doing anti-Kristy things (drinking and watching cricket!) for a boy, or how when told I have to be 'all in or all out' I jumped to say that I am all in (which resulted in a relationship crash not long after because I really should have stood my ground on what I want to begin with).

This sort of behavior has also been a issue for me when it comes to boys and sex. Don't get me wrong, I am not about to sleep with a guy just to please him. Actually, I had a guy asking me to spend the night with him a week or so back, long story short, it lead to me forcing him off me (I have no issue with that) - that's not the kind of thing I speak of here. In these surroundings it can be easy for a girl to fall in line with the 'a boy will only like me for sex' kind of thinking. I guess what I am saying is while I am not one to let someone use me, especially physically, I have allowed this kind of thing, on a smaller scale, to go on.

I think self-esteem plays a big role in this kind of behavior, another reason this topic is hot on the mind - today has been a low self-esteem day (which fortunately for me is something I am not too often affected by). When I am feeling critical of myself and a certain someone else is presenting with confidence and being so sure of themselves (and sometimes putting me down at the same time) I feel my power being stripped and as if I have to give them what they want. If a confident boy is saying to me, 'I have other girls waiting to date me so it has to be all in or all out,' for instance, the part of Kristy that lacks in confidence will give him what he wants. This train of thought is leading into the issue of respect and whether the guy respects me. On a low self esteem day I may ask myself the (obviously ridiculous) questions, do I deserve this respect? Or what can I do different to gain this respect? Which further encourages the confidence in the boy and the put down of me and leads into the doing what the boy wants which of course only leads to a deeper lack of respect.

This is the part where I'd go on to speak about how I am to correct this issue. But I don't need to do that, it's all obvious - love, girl power, R-E-S-P-E-C-T! Perhaps I'll watch an episode of Gilmore Girls to learn a valuable lesson in how to relate to boys :p