Oh my! My thoughts just went to Wayne Coyne blowing up a gigantic orange bubble above his fans at Festival Hall. Suspense built as the bubble got bigger and bigger until it was enormous and eventually bust - confetti or 'magic space dust' exploded out and fell on a crowd of people sharing a collective consciousness *Pauses to realise the awesomeness of Wednesday's concert* Wow!
Anyway, back to what I was saying- bursting through the bullshit bubble - momentum - yes. Continuing on from the previously posted insights, and ones yet to be posted about, Wednesday was very much a wake up experience for me. Firstly, I was told a story about a girl who struggled with her health all through school. It started with colds, moved onto asthma, continually progressed through illnesses and by the time she was at Uni she was hit with mental health issues and suicidal tendencies. After many suffering years, the key to getting past it was realising she was using ill health as a way to 'free ride' life or to avoid life's challenges and difficulties. That's not to say the health issues did not exist, just that they originated with wanting to get out of something, wanting attention or whatever and manifested into something much bigger. The mind is an incredible thing. "Does that man she's crazy?" "No, it means she was faking it." "Well actually, it's a little of both."
The same is true for me, and Cam please don't complain that this stuff is obvious and I should have got it years ago, please refer to 'Perhaps the patches or gum?' From that story I started thinking about my situation; I have continually been asking myself why I can't be happy when life is so good - I'm sure you've heard my whinging. The answer is because I subconsciously thought to have a life that is good I need to struggle. Instead of going with life's regular struggles, working hard at school and work, putting in what it takes to build good relationships, facing hardships and obstacles and whatever else, I thought I could bypass all that by taking on a new set of struggles in the form of depression, anxiety and the like. This ‘works’ on a short term basis; I get special consideration at Uni and I get time off work but in the long run, I fail Uni and I find my financials looking a little dry. While all along this back firing ‘free ride’ has just been painful. Lose-lose.
The other significant event that happened on Wednesday is being told that all this shit is obvious to my friends and they are sick of it and as a result they are becoming less of my friends (excluding an exceptional few). My first reaction to this was anger – ‘Well fuck them if they can’t hack it! If they can’t be there when a friend is in trouble then they aren’t friends at all!’ at which point I deleted a few choice names out of my phone. Then came sadness at the thought of losing my friends and being isolated. After all, the reason I made the decision to be open and honest about this stuff was to avoid isolation but it is happening anyway. And then came shame and embarrassment that people are ‘bitching’ about me, that people are seeing my behaviour and thinking – well, I really don’t know what they have been thinking but it can't be good! Finally, motivation and empowerment came along, to use these realisations to change things, to stop this bullshit and get my dignity back. That night I recall feeling like Kristy - the real Kristy. I haven't felt like that in a long time and I couldn't describe it but it was very welcome.
The mortification of the whole thing has been a real sting, I can be excited to get my life back and that’s great but the embarrassment of the whole situation is sharp. Feeling this embarrassment, I really wanted a quick fix. I thought about apologising to my friends for the last 6 months but realised I of course don’t need to apologise, never did I intend to fuck people around and to ask someone to apologise for stumbling, well that's just stupid. In the end I realised it is just a time thing, slowly they will start seeing me as Kristy again, seeing the smile and bounce that they fell in love with. In the mean time, I guess I just deal with some isolation and loneliness...But you know what? I'll be so damn busy at work and at the gym I won't even notice!
I’d like to say that in the end I am only left with feelings of insight, motivation, empowerment and excitement. But to be honest, I am left with a cocktail of mixed emotions. I still feel a sense of anger at my friends for turning their backs, I feel the embarrassment and regret, I feel cautious and fearful that this positive place that I am in is my timely and routine 10 days of goodness which inevitably turns into 4 days of darkness and despair, I feel uneased about realising and rejecting the defence mechanisms I’ve been using for many years, I feel some loneliness and confusion in there...but mostly I am left with feelings of insight, motivation, empowerment and excitement!
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